Exposing Myself

I have been spending a lot of time writing lately. Piece by piece, story by story, my book is coming along. As I get my thoughts down on paper, I am passionate about creating something that serves the world and offers something of value.

When I look back upon my life, I realize I have always written, although my stories were mostly penned and stored in my own head, so this work is proving to be challenging in more ways than one. First, I have never been trained as a “writer” and so, although I have always enjoyed writing, it hasn’t been something I have studied formally.

Second, as I have touched on in previous posts, I suffer with deep feelings of unworthiness, and these feelings manifest themselves as not wanting to share myself with others. This makes recounting my life, with the purpose of sharing it with anyone who chooses to read it, extremely uncomfortable.

Writing this book is bringing up more emotion than I anticipated. I feel deep shame in many of the stories I share. Just writing those words brings tears to my eyes and pain to my heart. I am not proud of many of the choices I made in my past, and I am having to walk away and sit quietly after some of the pieces I’ve written in order to ease the pain I am feeling from going back to some very dark places.

Building Up Walls

It took me getting sober to learn that my habit has always been to push people away. My feelings of unworthiness had me building walls around myself as a self-defense mechanism. I stayed guarded in relationships; a kind of “get them before they get me” attitude.

My feelings have held me back in almost every area of my life, and it has taken every ounce of courage for me to push myself to open up honestly for the first time in my life. I am deeply grateful for you, for reading this blog, and whether or not you like me or agree with what I have to say, I am so happy to have you with me on this journey of self-discovery.

Please know that I don’t want my admission to stop you from criticizing or disagreeing with me; my goal now is to allow you to know me, and it has taken this blog for me to finally push myself outside of my comfort zone and into the real world…the world that isn’t always going to like me or agree with me or support me.

And I have come to a place where I am learning that it’s ok. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion…including me! This awakening has proven to be extremely empowering.

Getting Out There

Putting myself “out there” has been so incredibly uncomfortable for me, and my habit is to downplay almost every achievement and challenge in my life. Even those people closest to me don’t know much of what I have done in my life, good or bad. Now is the time for me to share.

Joining Social Media was my first step towards exposing myself. I tried getting on Facebook several years ago, but I shut down my account within 3 weeks after people started “friending” me. I’m not sure what I was expecting by getting on Facebook, but all I know is I wasn’t ready to let people in, and so I closed down my account.

Almost two years ago, with the support of my loving partner, Roger, I made the brave decision to launch a new account. I use the word “brave” because of how scary being “out there” feels for me. I’m so glad I did, and from my very first post, I haven’t looked back. There are still days I ask him “should I share this??” or hover my mouse over the “post” button for waaaay too long, but for the most part, I share and I click; and I am happy I do.

Not everything I post gets the reaction I want, (or even a reaction at all), but Facebook started me on a path of showing up as I am; telling people what is important to me; sharing my beliefs (and my lunch!); and generally helping me to break free from the shell that has held me hostage in my own life for far too long.

Thank you Facebook. And thank you to anyone who is my friend on that social media platform. I am deeply grateful to have you with me, sharing in my life’s happenings. I am so happy to be sharing in your lives as well.

Strengthening My Habit

A few years ago, I went to see a numerologist in order to help me get some clarity on where my life was headed. Laura Young is an amazing woman, and if you live in Ottawa, I highly recommend her services. During our session, she kept asking about my creative outlet; what I do to release the creative energy that is bubbling up inside of me.

At the time, I wasn’t writing, and so I asked if cooking counted. She smiled and said “it can…but there has to be something else. Do you paint? Draw? Do you take photographs?” No, no, no. I told her I enjoyed daily exercise, and that my partner and I worked tirelessly on our business. Although these were important aspects of my life, she encouraged me to find something that would allow the creative forces inside of me to be expressed more fully.

It is only since deciding to start my blog that I realized writing truly is my creative outlet. Thank you, Laura. I have found it and plan to use it every day. I also want to thank Peggy McColl for her early endorsement of my ability to write. It made all the difference in setting me in this direction.

When I go through past journals I have kept, I wonder to myself why I don’t journal more regularly. It is such a good practice and holds the key to so much wisdom in my life. I have learned so much from my experiences, and by going back and re-reading them, I am reminded of that fact.

I have also used Gratitude Journals, and, again, I learn so much from what is written on those pages, both in the moment of their writing and upon retrospect. So much of what I have manifested in my life has come from being grateful for what I already have.

I also know how powerful writing down my goals has been, and it has helped me to co-create so many things and relationships that I am deeply grateful for.

Writing is a habit I plan to solidify in my life. Just as eating healthy and exercise are habits, I pledge to write, daily, as both a creative outlet and as a record of the events in my life, and especially of the emotions I am feeling about those events. I look at writing as a cathartic exercise and also one that may encourage the healing in others who have similar feelings.

We Are Not Alone

If you, too, struggle with feelings of unworthiness, shame, or a lack of self-respect, I encourage you to examine those feelings by writing them down and working towards the knowing that, in the words of Oprah Winfrey, “You are worthy because you were born”.

I am grateful for starting my blog; this corner of the world where I continue to share myself with you. Thank you for being here with me.

I am a work in progress, and it feels good to be getting closer to feelings of love, acceptance and respect for myself. Through my work with the law of attraction, I know that if I believe that I am worthy of happiness, success, abundance, fulfillment, peace, joy and love, then I will manifest those things in my life.

If you have work to do in these areas as well, I wish the same for you.

Because I want you to love your life one bite at a time.

P.S. If you suffer with feelings of unworthiness, fear, shame, or anything else that is holding you back in your life, then I welcome you to comment below. I truly believe our secrets keep us sick, and together we can heal. You can also feel free to message me privately at Sarah@SarahTalksFood.com.

P.P.S. Let’s be friends! Connect with me on Facebook , Twitter and Instagram. 🙂