On Friday, my mother turned 75. What a milestone! She was born in 1944 and she would tell you, she has enjoyed a very good life. It hasn’t all been easy, for sure, but she has made many choices that have led to wonderful experiences. Things like encouraging my dad to take a transfer so that we could enjoy life in the U.K. for 3 years when I was a young girl; building a pool in our backyard when we moved to Ottawa so we could have pool parties and stay active with our friends; and renovating my dad’s childhood home when we moved to Waterloo so that we could keep the legacy alive for another generation. My mother was a home-maker and took her role very seriously. I am forever grateful to her for teaching me the importance of a well-decorated, clean and tidy home, a home-cooked meal, caring for my health, and celebrating life. She is a social butterfly and she makes a simple occasion a special one through her palpable ‘joie de vivre’!
I love her dearly. And I take after her in many ways. We are also very different, and we battled a lot throughout our lives together.
And although we haven’t had the easiest relationship, we have come to a really good place and I am incredibly proud of the work we are both doing to create this experience.
I take our relationship very seriously and I have prioritized it in the past few years in a way I never had before. The work I’ve done has helped me to recognize that the change I want to see must start with ME. I have needed to heal myself and my own inner child instead of pointing fingers at my mother and blaming her for everything she didn’t do or say or for everything that didn’t go “right” in my life.
Our relationship is far from perfect; none are. But I cherish my mother as the precious gift she is in my life. She gave me life! And for *simply* keeping me alive, I have developed a deep gratitude for her. I am not a parent, yet I see the tremendous effort parents must expend just to keep their children fed and clothed and bathed…and I am in awe. Layer on top of that the investment of time, effort and energy in teaching and supporting their children, and I truly don’t know how parents don’t walk around with capes on their backs!
Working through past pain and dealing with my feelings from childhood has taken a lot of time and energy, but I have come to appreciate the work. Without those challenges I faced with my mother, I would have never experienced this kind of personal growth. So, again, I am grateful beyond words for this beautiful woman in my life.
I love talking to her about the things that have changed in the world; the things she used to do and the way things used to be compared to the way the world operates now. In many ways, things really haven’t changed much at all; in others, bigtime.
One of those bigtime ways is how we–as a society–have begun to place a greater focus on our individual and collective mental health. We still have a very long way to go in this area, but when we consider the way things used to be in a lot of families, where we brushed things under the rug, or where we just didn’t feel comfortable even having the hard talks, then I am optimistic about this next generation of people who may feel an ever-increasing sense that they are not alone; a deep knowing that what they are going through is not reserved for their experience alone, and that through sharing their pain, it is lessened not only in them, but in others, as well. It is a beautiful time to be alive!
Since my dad died, my mother has increased her presence in my life. She supports me in ways I’d never felt supported by her before, and I am feeling much more deeply connected to her. I am loving it. And my mental health has improved because of it.
Our relationship will never be perfect, and I love that about it. Our relationship is flawed because we are flawed. We don’t see eye-to-eye on everything, and I have come to a place where I am (usually) mature enough to know where to go and where not to go, with her. But the big lesson I’ve learned, the real lesson, is that I didn’t need her to want to change before I could do the work myself. I realized I could don my own oxygen mask, tend to my own garden, stay on my side of the street, mind my own business…and not require anything to change on her part. Adopting this approach has made all the difference. We don’t need the other person to do anything for us to be able to heal and grow personally.
That’s the gift.
It’s ALL an inside job.
By me healing and growing, it has allowed our relationship to heal and grow. My mother has become my ally; someone who truly supports me and shows me love in the exact way I need her to. And it happened when I released the need for her to do so. It seems strange even when I write it, but I keep learning that that’s just how it works.
We need to be the change we wish to see.
And we don’t change people.
We change ourselves–we change the way we see things–if we choose to, and in so doing, the things we see change.
Happy 75th birthday, mama! I can't wait to have many, many more conversations with you and I can't wait to keep celebrating you...because you are amazing. And I would not be here without you. I love you.
If your mother (or father) is still alive and you have a difficult relationship, I encourage you to work on the things you can do to heal yourself. Reach out to me for suggestions, as I've been incredibly fortunate to work with many exceptional people. If your parent(s) has passed on and you feel like it's too late to heal past hurts, allow me to reassure you that it's not too late. It's never too late. You can still do the work...because it's your work to do (it always was).
It's an inside job. And you are worth the effort. Your health, happiness and peace are waiting for you.
Because I want you to love your life one bite at a time.
P.S. Mom, I am so glad you liked your gift! And I hope you don't mind me talking about it here, in case someone might get some inspiration from it. 🙂
I was very grateful to be able to invest some quality time into creating an art project while I was recovering from my surgery. It created the perfect distraction, and going through old photos and thinking of all the ways I love and adore my mother was a truly beautiful experience.
I'd been holding on to a lovely pink silk box for years, waiting for the perfect occasion to use it (yes, Marie Kondo, it DID spark joy to keep it)! I lined the inside lid with pink silk rose petals (I glued them on) and I found a small photo album at Indigo that said "What I love about Mom" in gold letters on the front. At first, I was worried I wouldn't be able to fill it, because I just don't have that many pictures of the two of us, but I found ones that would be meaningful for her (her parents, me as a baby, me and my big brother, some trips we went on, me graduating from college, etc...) and I filled other ages with heart-warming, fun and special notes (I wrote my own and also borrowed quotes). With some of the notes, I made mini envelopes and placed other notes inside them, tucked inside, so it became even more fun for her to open. She LOVED it!
P.P.S. If you’d like to prioritize your health in all sorts of ways, perhaps you’d like to sign up for my 14 Days of Wellness! Enter your name and email address up on the right to begin receiving the messages today. It’s free, with no diets, products, challenges or catches…just a chance to remember how amazing you are...for 14 days.
P.P.P.S. Registration is NOW OPEN for my “One Bite At A Time” Group Coaching Program. Click here to learn more. If you like what you see, we will set up a phone call to ensure we are a good fit for one another. The next group starts on Monday, March 18th, 2019. If you want to TRULY change the way you feel about yourself and your body, then I am confident I am the coach to help you achieve your goals.
P.P.P.P.S. Speaking of your body, on May 4th and 5th, 2019, Roger and I are hosting The Healthy Brain and Body Show for our THIRD year! We are so excited to bring this show back even bigger and better! We would love to see you there as an attendee, where we have so much we want to share with you. We can’t wait to explore, connect, learn and shop at the show WITH you! Please say hello if you come. Roger and I will both be there the entire weekend. It would be a thrill to meet you. 🙂
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